I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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