Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
