i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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