just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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