My room smells like vodka and shame
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
