You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
