i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
