mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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