I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
