I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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