dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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