last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
