I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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