Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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