she woke up with a sticky ear
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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