I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
North Korea, Best Korea!
I want to make a zoo with you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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