i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
