My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
