i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
