My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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