Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
