Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
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