Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just blew my weed a kiss
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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