He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
