i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
