One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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