don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
