Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
