Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
