oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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