rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
