she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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