So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
