The brown eye won't let me do that either.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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