gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
