Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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