God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
