Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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