Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
