After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
