we have officially lost it.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I checked into jail on foursquare
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
