She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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