no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just google imaged poop.
Welp...herpes.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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