He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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