Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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