Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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