You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize