It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize