there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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