4 words: hood of his car
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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