i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
