...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
