I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
