now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
