my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
is that a dick in a sweater?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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