I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
